wakemeupgrace

twentyeleven

2011-05-03T17:59:00.004+08:00

The eleven others did not make it. This makes #17. And #1 a year.

Perhaps it is time to write again. Perhaps.

hello 2010

2010-01-11T17:59:00.004+08:00

It's been a busy year last year. Since the last post, there's been tonnes of significant life changing events and quite a few crashing waves that hit me like harder than a wall of brick.

New job, new craze, new toy, new love. 2009 has been pretty eventful I would think. What's in for 2010? I'm perhaps standing in line waiting in anticipation to find out too..It's like that feeling you get when you're waiting to get your hands on that brand new Apple product! (i'm sure you know how that feels..) or the nervous feeling you get when you're called to the principals office. I would prefer the former, thank you very much.

Anyhow, I'll try to update at least once a month this year. So let this be the first of the hopeful 12 posts. If at all the other 11 doesn't make it, look above for the little birdie that goes, tweet tweet tweet!

hello 2010!

i woke up and all i can think of is to update the blog with something

2009-04-02T11:19:00.003+08:00

Hadn't updated the blog for the longest time. So thought a sonnet will be the best replacement than a long post. It'll get you thinking and deciphering it's allusive metaphors and underlining meanings. Note to all, if you don't have time to blog, a sonnet always works the minds of those readers. It's a good sonnet with a monumental meaning. I'll think of something better for the next post :P

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare

chiang mai

2009-02-17T12:11:00.003+08:00

A city filled with culture and beauty.

The Golden Triangle- a river that separates Thailand, Laos and Myanmar. Toilet, Black Bear?

Laos and the fine children of Vineyard Outreach.

The long neck karen tribe and a camp filled with soccer playing elephants.

There is no such thing as a little freedom. Either you are all free, or you are not free.

truth

2009-01-31T17:24:00.003+08:00

It may not be some heinous deed
That chills our hearts and chokes the seed;
It’s often just a trifling toy
That grabs our eye and steals our joy.
Gustafson

Got this off Our Daily Bread. Short lines filled with much truth and it would be no less than selfish to not share this revelation.

a fourletterstory

2009-01-30T01:06:00.002+08:00

rez-uh-loo-shuhn

2009-01-05T11:57:00.005+08:00

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion
/ˌrɛzəˈluʃən/[rez-uh-loo-shuhn]
–noun

1. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
2. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
3. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.
4. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.
5. the resulting state.

I thought it was about time I listed a list of resolutions for 2009, a task omitted last year. It's quite interesting how dictionary.com deciphers 'resolution'. It had subtly set a couple of pointers to meeting your rez-uh-loo-shuhn .

Here's my breakdown of what dictionary.com had to say;
1. Resolution requires firm determination
2. Don't just plan, there's gotta be some action going on!
3. There's gotta be a purpose or to put it in more proportion; a firm purpose
4. There is a need to breakdown and compartmentalize the different issues while dealing with one bigger matter
5. Resolution calls for results

In attempts in keeping my resolutions, I'll start by keeping the most important;
Resolution #17: List down your resolutions for 2009.

Yay! I've got one checked off the list!

Happy 2009!

i'm lovin it

2008-12-31T01:44:00.003+08:00

Phew, six seven eight and there it is, Nine. It's the last hours of the last day of the last month of the year.

I thought Forrest Gump's saying aptly summed up 2008 ; 'Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get'. Amen to that. Life in 2008 was filled with surprises from low trying tides to great memorable times. It opened my eyes to discover what I have yet not seen and taught me various valuable life lessons, although those lessons tends to leave behind scars.

Looking back, I thought this year turned out pretty well. I enjoyed each second of it and appreciate every moment it had to offer. I'm grateful the year is ending well.

If I could share with you one thing I learnt this year it is this; Love life. I've learnt to be thankful for every single thing life has to offer; the joy, the pain, the hurt, the laughter, the stupidity, the craziness, the wreck, the helplessness, the "I don't know what's next" predicaments, the love, the everything. These things reminds me that I'm alive.

I thank God for a great 2008 and I pray that 2009 will be no less greater or bigger than the previous years. I walk into 2009 with my arms raised up and head lifted high knowing I've finished my race in 2008; and another finish line awaits me.

I'll end this year with the saying 'Life is something that everyone should try at least once'.

Philip loves Life.

twelfth days

2008-12-19T16:10:00.008+08:00

It has come to that time of the year again; the one where I over explain myself about the flashing days that passed and how this year came and went so quickly. I guess I'll do it differently this year. We stand 12 days away from a new year and to triangulate and think about it in a different light, we actually have 12 days left for 2008 to complete what could have been. With not much time left at hand but still ample to conclude 2008 the best we can, I think it's about time we moved our butts than move our checklist to the following year.

We start out each year with hopes and dreams to achieve and the determination to make sure that each task on our checklist is ticked before the end of each year. The checklist maybe long or short but the one essential thing I learnt this year was that each task on the list needed a timeline to comply to. The timing from the beginning to when the task will be completed or perhaps that itself a hope to a fruition of a dream. Without that, a dream remains a dream with no practical thought put in or any effort the least to making the dream real.

That in mind, we've got 12 days, merely less than 288 hours to cross out the most on our checklist before the inevitable strikes and we dawn upon a new year. And before we start reflecting the year that was and start contemplating on planning the year that could have been again, I'll take this 12 short days to end this very year the way I dreamt it could and would have been. A wise man once said, 'It's not how you start the race, but how you end them'.

The year started well for me but the end seemingly clouded with worries and anticipation of what future it holds. Faith is a funny maneuver I'm grappling to understand. While its easier said than done, faith keeps you on the edge of your seat ready to topple you over at any time; very much unexpected like rough waves in the ocean. You won't know how big the next wave will hit and whether you'll fall and be divulged by the greatness of the sea. Or if you will be able to swim and get back on the board in anticipation of the next great hit of the waves. The irony of it all is the persistence in waiting for the next big wave to come, waiting in worries and excitement that perhaps the wave will collide at me, or perhaps it may possible be that I stood at the right time on my board and live every surfer's dream of riding that giant wave.

Yes, faith is a funny thing that I still find intriguing to understand. I still can't grapple every sense of the meaning of the word, but I learnt that it is all about timing. Faith doesn't fail. It just waits for the right time before it explodes and it soars you above the circumstances. After writing a little about it, I realized that faith needs time. Taking the first few steps of faith may be the toughest, but faith in Jesus never fails.

Let's go back to timing. I said we can and should plan our timing to meet our dreams. But above and beyond our own timing, there is His timing. We can plan everything, but not everything will go according to plan. Faith takes over when plans doesn't meet our timing, and when it chooses to meet His timing.

It's all about timing. But with what we have left, lets make our last 12 days of this year count!

Have yourself a blessed christmas!

*The post this time is long. I guess I had alot to say and tell myself. If you have read it, I hope it stirred something to think about.

ah crap!

2008-12-12T16:00:00.005+08:00

After 10 weeks, I bid my farewell to Milk + Co. Many were puzzled at why and what led to my speedy exit. To me, it was the simplest yet the toughest decision to make. Simplest being the fact that I knew I had to leave this behind to allow the other priorities in my life continue to be a priority. The toughest was to let go without anything really left to hang on to. This is perhaps the first time I made a decision without any Plan B to catch me if I falter.

Beyond the internal struggles, there is the external pressure from the outsiders that couldn't and wouldn't be more empathetic than to pass an instant judgment on hearing my exit. Those that mutters under their breath "Ah, He doesn't know what He wants.. He is not serious with his life.. He gave up so easily.. and my personal favorite; Ah, He is not responsible". I shrug those comments and allow them not to have a sting at me.

I rather not explain the reason for my departure. Everyone seems to already want to believe their own thoughts and have their own preconceived ideas. Yes, everyone works late nights and sacrifice substantially to their career. I get that. But I wasn't willing to give up everything including God and his work for my own. And because I couldn't find a balance to both, one had to go. I chose the prior.

It was the longest contemplation and prayer that finally led to an epiphany and an assurance that He, the one that feeds the sparrow daily has a greater plan bigger than I can comprehend.

And He needed some space to move; space which only I could give. With that, I stuck on to hope, like how a tongue is stuck to a frozen pole- really really stuck; and take that leap of faith with worry and anticipation of what the next chapter holds. I'll just let go this time and let the Author write the next chapter as He wish. If horror and pain follow suit or joy and happiness, I'll just continue to run and run and run with only one thing in mind; I LET GO, I LET GOD.

The story of Paul came to mind and reminded me that not every story finishes well but it can still be a heck of a finish! I'll enjoy this race!

Between choices and the toughest things

2008-11-17T02:06:00.003+08:00

The hardest choices to make are those that you have no clue what will happen next. Those that you can only hope and believe. Those that keeps you awake.

A wise dad once wrote; 'What is most important is put God first in your lives and just as God is able to take care of Elijah, so can He takes care of those who trust in Him'. I think I'll take heed and make what is most important, most important.

Letting go, letting god. Again.

Seasons

2008-11-13T11:44:00.003+08:00

"How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown."

At a distance we all stand waiting, clueless and frighten of what could be. But beyond the status quo and my own simple understanding, I'll hold on to the one promise I always have; He makes all things beautiful in His time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

2008-11-08T23:09:00.000+08:00

Waiting.

i feel like i'm falling

2008-10-28T01:07:00.002+08:00

Standing tall in this wide space
Getting lost in Your embrace
I see a fire burning brighter
It's calling me to catch the flame

I feel like I'm falling over and over in love with You
It's not just a feeling, but I know that He is real
I feel like I'm falling into the arms of a mighty God
It's not just a feeling, but I know that He is real

You're drawing me closer to Your side
It's the safest place I know where to hide
With one glance You captured my heart
You speak Your words and set me apart

I feel like I'm falling, I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling, falling into the arms of love

Hillsongs's I Feel Like I'm Falling

Somehow this song keeps ringing in my mind. I get this feeling this like i'm falling helplessly. It's not a good feeling, but I pray the fall is into His arms of grace. I rehearse Jeremiah 29:11 in my head, knowing that He sees the bigger picture and I, only a fraction of His masterwork.

amazing grace

2008-09-17T15:36:00.004+08:00

"Amazing Grace"

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.

John Newton, Olney Hymns (London: W. Oliver, 1779)

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

Chris Tomlin

Guess the words to the hymn says it all.

’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.

give me more colours

2008-09-09T16:42:00.007+08:00

I have been sleeping on the 'right' position of the top bunk of my double deck bed. My head resting comfortably on the headboard and my feet likewise at the other end. But not until 9 months back when I pulled a topsy turvy and rested my head on the opposite side instead. I just needed to break the monotony. Break the usual.

We're habitual creatures, don't you think? We get too good in repeating the same things in life over and over again, and for the rest of our lives. We have done that so well that we deliberately abandone our brains and take likeness to a robot.

The irony about man is then when 'change' becomes the ultimatum, our instant response kicks in- the ability to dupe ourselves to think that we're making changes, when in actual fact we're back to repetitions. We are caught in this vacuum that sucks the courage to change or at least the attempts to be, leaving us in this drought of monotony.

The better part of us all longs for these change. The ones that at least bring back excitement in living. But the shift of burden to that very decision is astronomical. And so we go back to what we do best, the usual.

Our wisest friend Einstein once said; Insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result.

Guess the most of us are insane. I hence start my journey to recovery, by abandoning life in technicolour and opting for multicolour instead. Let's begin with the littlest things like sleeping at the other opposite end, and maybe taking ice-cold showers. That sounds exciting already.

08.08.08

2008-08-08T16:33:00.000+08:00

eight.

a number worthy of a post.

creat-ion

2008-07-31T10:34:00.004+08:00

chapter 1
3 Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. So the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 Then God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.” 7 Thus God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so. 8 And God called the firmament Heaven. So the evening and the morning were the second day.

9 Then God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear”; and it was so. 10 And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit according to its kind, whose seed is in itself, on the earth”; and it was so. 12 And the earth brought forth grass, the herb that yields seed according to its kind, and the tree that yields fruit, whose seed is in itself according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 13 So the evening and the morning were the third day.

14 Then God said, “Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs and seasons, and for days and years; 15 and let them be for lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth”; and it was so. 16 Then God made two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also. 17 God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth, 18 and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 So the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

20 Then God said, “Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens.” 21 So God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves, with which the waters abounded, according to their kind, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.” 23 So the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

24 Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth the living creature according to its kind: cattle and creeping thing and beast of the earth, each according to its kind”; and it was so. 25 And God made the beast of the earth according to its kind, cattle according to its kind, and everything that creeps on the earth according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all[b] the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” 27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

29 And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. 30 Also, to every beast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food”; and it was so.

31 Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. So the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

chapter 2
1 Thus the heavens and the earth, and all the host of them, were finished. 2 And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. 3 Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.

It took me 3 days on an island to experience again the wonders of creation and the greatness of the creator. I applaud you, my creator.

i'm amazed again.

passion

2008-07-23T01:38:00.005+08:00

Our passions are the winds that propel our vessel. Our reason is the pilot that steers her. Without winds the vessel would not move and without a pilot she would be lost.

This is a very interesting take on passion. I couldn't agree any less. And yes, Passion has caught my attention yet again.

in-sanity

2008-07-20T18:17:00.005+08:00

Insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result.

Intriguing.

6 months and everything between

2008-07-10T02:38:00.005+08:00

The first half of the year flew by so very quickly. So thought I just share the highlights of the past 6 months and its highs and lows. May I present you 'The Top 10 Highlights' so far :

10. Switchfoot
Obviously Switchfoot coming down to our shores left a deep scar. Had been waiting endlessly for the fine boys from San Diego to come down and put on the electrifying show I have heard so much about. And an electrifying show did they put on indeed.

9. Taiwan
Got the chance to visit Taiwan and immerse myself with taiwanese sausages, weird popiah rolls with ice-cream and the must have beef noodles! Ironically, I found myself liking Taiwan more than I initially thought i would. It will certainly help if I could converse in Mandarin. I felt disable without a translator.

8. The car and a promotion
Good to be able to finally afford your own car. And a promotion afterwards to help pay off the car. Irony.

7. The fourletterstory gigs
fourletterstory were give various opportunity to play and we did not hesitate to take some of them. To date the most memorable show will definitely be for the Tailor Made Man Musical which the band got the chance to contribute 3 piece of work. We're humbled.

6. The new job
The exciting change to come in the following months is the transition from Publicis to Milk & Co. Again humbled by the blessings that have paved way. Along with Milk & Co. is a one month much needed sabbatical that will see myself finally on an actual break in 3 years.

5. the fourletterstory release
The band had the chance to go in the studios and record 2 of our materials. I'm happy with the result of the recording which took a lengthy 6 months to produce. The next step: launch ourselves into the airwaves.
For further understanding about the music and band, visit
http://www.myspace.com/fourletterstory

4. The growth in Teenacity, the Homes for teens and a Revolution party and camp.
Teenacity has surpass the 50 mark and are reaching for 100. God has in his own way grown the ministry both in wideness and depth. Homes has been an avenue for these guys to share their thoughts no matter how intimate it was. The revolution party saw hands raised in surrender and that continued in the camp where they graduated and were ready to face the flow; the race against the flow.

3. The growth of teens
The evidence of teens in Teenacity growing and maturing reckons the need to push to a higher level. Never will i say to have seen such commitment from teens that will work the field to reap the harvest together. I'm humbled yet again.

2. The Ipoh incident
How could I deny the popular Ipoh incident that occured to the band. I won't go into the details of the occurrence. That you can read at
(http://fourletterstory.blogspot.com/2008/01/story-told.html). More so than not wanting to omit this incident from the list (which i ranked 2nd), is the truth that cannot be denied;

'And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me......for when I am weak, then am I strong.' KJV

1. Grace
What tops the highlight for the first half of the year? One word: Grace. His ample grace that surpasses my understanding and comforts me during the highs and lows. And it is by His grace that I wake up each morning knowing that it's worth living and when sometimes I forget the purpose of life, it's that grace that reminds me again. It's that grace that leads me to repentance, and that same grace that leads me know that I'm loved.

It's grace so amazing when Jesus took the cross and more amazing that the cross was ours.

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know

And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

My love burns for You
And my heart feels for You
My life good for You
My heart burns for You

David Crowder Band's Obsession

So six months has passed and 6 months to come. Let me remind myself this; let go, let god.

*Allow me to steal 8 minutes of your life to view this mind blowing clip

here comes the chair!

2008-05-15T23:51:00.002+08:00

Off to the land where the political leaders throws chairs and punches to get their message through. It's gonna be a fun weekend!

Can i join in the throwing?

the shadow proves the sunshine

2008-05-11T17:50:00.003+08:00

"Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us" Samuel Smiles

*the lil'ones playin soccer at noon in terlimau

i'll see you someday

2008-03-31T23:08:00.005+08:00

I find it hard to write this post, not really knowing where to start or where to head. Just lost.

I guess i'll just start with 'death' this time. Death is nothing new, or nothing unusual, with nothing much to talk about. And life will one day inevitably come to its end, and down to the last grasp for air before all slowly fades away, before 'you' fade away. That my friend is a simplification of life and death.

However, the irony of how life starts and end is rather unique, with its expression resembling each other but its emotions vastly differing. We tear, for joy we tear and for sadness we tear. The common expressions that however translates to very different emotions amuses me to think that God in all his creativity have chose to set the expressions of the beginning and the end as one. Guess God was just being playful =)

Grandma took her last breath at about 2.30pm today. It did came as quite a shock for everyone in the family. But, God had his plans and timing, and she left while she took her nap. I will sorely miss her, her smile, her words, her meals, her comfort, her time, i will miss her for her.

I write in memory of her in tears of sadness. I write in memory of her in tears of joy for she is now at a better place, for she is now back with grandpa, and for she is now with God.

I find it hard to write this post. Not really knowing where to start, but knowing that the end was the start for grandma; a start with God.

Thank you and good bye ah mah. I love you.

indescribable

2008-03-26T23:11:00.006+08:00

The milky way

So much had occurred in the recent weeks. So much so that the difference it has made is displayed vastly in its own ways. I guess 'change' was bound to happen and it did in its own time. Aside the substantial change with the politiks in the country, many other changes followed suit; and most for the better.

Good friday was an enlightening day. It brought me this time to view the splendors of the universe, the galaxy, our milky way, and to this earth we call home. And as I stood there and saw the enormity of the universe, i came to the realization that I, compared to the whole wide universe, am actually really really really small. And my world, not very much bigger compared to the bigness of it all. But, ah yes a 'but' follows. But, I am significant. And my world, as significant as I.

As insignificant in size I and my world is, to Him I am significant, so much so that He came down to my world, and chose to know me.

I'm standing at a juncture of crossroads in life. Not really knowing which to take, not really knowing anything. I do wished sometimes that everything could stop, or just paused for a moment. The earth will however not stop, but continue its journey in orbiting the sun and as the clock continues its tick and tock, I will just continue to run my race. And while at it, I'll just enjoy the wonderful tales of Disney. Yeah, Philip is a sucker for Disney's tales. Boohoo.

As you secretly poke fun at Philip and his fetish for Disney's cartoons; let me invite you to enjoy this tune from 'enchanted'. Common, be honest..stop stroking your ego, and admit your love for disney's cartoons too.

once upon a revolution

2008-01-28T19:24:00.000+08:00

"The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives"

William James

thanks giving

2008-01-12T01:26:00.000+08:00

It has been an amazing start to the year. The band just got back from a show in Ipoh, and it was a fruitful trip up north. But more importantly was God’s work and his way of revealing in his very own subtle thoughts.

There’s so much to write about the show and the afterwards which involved us in a car chase with the Kampar Police. And of how close we were to death and the 1001 ways of how bad could had been worst. By grace it turned out well, and we were kept alive.

I’m not gonna bother with the story telling after repeating it one too many times already. However, the thanks giving can’t be refrained from my lips. It’s great to survive, to be alive, to breath,and to know that His thoughts are higher than ours.

I recollect my thoughts after the incident, and God in his subtle way reminded me; He sometimes does not need to answer all our queries and doubts. But in his gentle way, He reduces the enormity of these questions and removes the significance of wanting to know the answers. As he reveals himself in his personal way, all those questions that lingers has now shrunk and is minuté.

I would not claim to have seen His face, or hear His audible voice. But I have certainly seen the evidence of his works, and oh it is good. It is so good.

A song seems to stick with me in these recent days, and i though i’ll just share it with you.

Refuse to be denied – desperation band
I am Yours, you are mine
I refuse to be denied
All of You is my heart's cry
I refuse to be denied

I'm coming after you
I'm coming after you
I'm coming after you

Though I'm weak, though I'm dry
I refuse to be denied
All my life, a sacrifice
I refuse to be denied

I'm coming after you
I'm coming after you
I'm coming after you

good bye

2007-12-31T14:54:00.001+08:00

It has yet come to the end of another year. And as always, the year flew by pretty quickly and we stand at the beginning of another new year.

2007 is memorable. A year that can't be forgotten, or be ignored of its highs and lows and its wonderful way of just saying; let go, and let god. I'm unable to put down in words or summarize 2007, only to say it as a year that i'll hold on dearly to.

Thank you Lord for this amazing year that has become the beginning of many great things.

So, whats for 2008? I reiterate the saying; if we win, we'll praise him. if we lose, we'll praise him.

happy 2008.

rainy season of joy

2007-12-10T10:16:00.000+08:00

The bells are ringing. And instead of a white christmas, we'll just have to settle for a drench christmas season; there's no complains, just thanksgiving.

have youself a joyous christmas season folks.

food for the politics

2007-11-08T12:42:00.000+08:00

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.

Voltaire

[type Title here]

2007-10-25T00:02:00.000+08:00

how i miss those simpler days.

unspoken

2007-09-18T09:02:00.000+08:00

smile.

nineleven

2007-09-12T12:12:00.000+08:00

"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Martin Luther King Jr.

pausing to write

2007-09-07T19:04:00.000+08:00

It's been a long while since I took time off just to write something, anything. I miss those quieter days, i miss those serene nights, i miss the twilights shimmering, I miss the light blue skies, I missed to pause.

Just running round and round, highs and low in search to fulfill what ought be done, when ought can easily be substituted for could. ‘Running like a headless chicken’, that’s the way the big man likes to put it.

And it took some time before Stanley reminded me again that priority stands beyond the spectrum of time and our inefficacy to balance between the minutes. It is beyond man's capabilities to hold each tick of the clock, nonetheless with the limited abilities we possess, we are able to stop and confront the enormity that lies in front, and to decide which mountains to overcome, and which to overlook.

Stanley made it quite clear that every second in the future was already a second in the past; we are pushed forward regardless.

I may be unable to freeze the seconds, hold the minutes, or stop the hours, but I am able to stop, able to pause, and able to allow quieter hours, serene nights, shimmering twilights, and light blue skies overwhelm.

I paused. I pause.

pause.

2007-08-23T16:11:00.000+08:00

This week will go down as probably the craziest, busiest week till date.
With so much work to shoulder following James departure, and the joy
of realising a movement of freedomfighters, i come to a place where i
just pause.

a pause to enjoy the craziness. and a submission to Him who hold
my every step, and glees with joy at the wackiness this world has offered.

i pause.

when 'i' die

2007-07-24T17:14:00.000+08:00

'But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.' Galatians 6:22

Lets continue to persue God, and one day when we look back, whatever becomes of us, we'll be grateful we made this tough choice to die to our flesh..

=)

caught up in reverie

2007-07-12T10:03:00.000+08:00

Reverie is not a mind vacuum. It is rather the gift of an hour which knows the plenitude of the soul.

Gaston Bachelard

a piggy's nostalgia

2007-06-05T14:46:00.000+08:00

pig·gy /ˈpɪgi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pig-ee]
1. a small or young pig. –adjective
2. Informal. piggish.
3. (of a sow) in an advanced state of pregnancy.

Also, piggie.

pig·gi·ness, noun

A little something for a little somebody.

when work finds you

2007-02-04T23:56:00.000+08:00

It has been little over a week since I started with Publicis, and the major
shift from a nothing-to-do job, to one that has a workload the size of Everest
is no short overwhelming! Then again, its at least enjoyable for now.

There's nothing much to say, so I'll leave it at here.

Till I find the time to blab again, cheerios.

bloggers unite

2007-01-22T11:11:00.000+08:00

With the recent NSTP's suit againts bloggers; Screenshot and Rocky's Bru,
the situation seems to have unite bloggers with the same goal againt the
political goverment turmoil.

I will hereby do my part, as a citizen of Malaysia to support for
transparency in the Malaysian political structure and decisions making.

We want a Government by the people, and for the people.

its flyday

2007-01-19T13:38:00.000+08:00

Its that day again! Its F-R-I-D-A-Y. Don't we all just love Fridays?!
Its that day where work seems less important, and the hours seems to pass
quickly in my anticipation for the weekend.

Friday is definately 'the' day of the week!

The Unplugged gig last Wednesday was fun, as the band performed 2 songs,
one of which was an original composition being played for the first time. With
not much time to practice due to the uncertain tight schedules of our busy lives,
we could only afford one real practice. Hence, the punchline for
that evening was 'Hantam onli'. It was either do well and be applauded,
or risk being humiliated and outcasted from the music world. Heck, we obviously
didn't want to fall within the latter category. I can't tell you if we did well
or otherwise, but this for certain, it wasn't all too bad.

It was an entertaining night just to sit back, relax and enjoy the symphony as
others went on stage and did their thing. Mia was no short of asounding that
night, as she took centerstage and sang a beautiful rendition of 'Jesus Loves
Me This I Know' which left some in tears, and the others giving endless praise.
She sang more than 1 song of course.

All in all, it was interesting (for the lack of any other words to describe).

cheerios, its friday!

the epilogue to hill

2007-01-17T10:18:00.000+08:00

So you have it, I'm off to a new desk by wednesday. After spending a couple
of weeks at Hill & Associates, I decided that it was time to go. And where next?
I will be heading to Publicis, my new crib for the next couple of months/years.

It has been an amazing journey for the last couple of months, from one job
to another. I probably outdid myself this time, with 4 job change in the span
of 6 months. Nothing to be proud about really, and not all my choice.

SMKSU was a side thing. People N' Rich was a 2 month internship.
Hill & Associates was not my kind of thing. And now off to Publicis.

All in all, God has never failed to provide, and instead of lacking in employment,
God has humbled me with more opportunities. I dare say that I lack nothing
with God on my team. He parts my ocean, destroys my enemies, and leads
me to greener pastures. Thank you Lord for all you've done.

I stand amazed again at his works and his comforting hand on my life.
As how my boss oftenly utters;

' If God is for you, nothing can be againts you'.

Amen!

unplug this apathy

2007-01-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

B-o-r-e-d-o-m is more than a seven letter word. The true meaning can
only be found, when you are incited to jump around like a monkey, with
countless trials to facinate yourself by even the smallest reprehensive
acts; maybe the chicken dance would do the trick!

Someone free me from this b-o-r-e-d-o-m please !

Anyway, just thought you'll like to know;

I will be playin for this upcoming event. It would be an acoustic show; which
also features Mia Palencia!

Till then, its back to war for freedom from this boredom!

where bosses yell, and i write

2007-01-11T12:11:00.000+08:00

Its crazily intense here at the office. The Boss just got back from his vacation,
not to mention he cut his vacation one day short, and everything that could
go wrong, has probably went wrong. With loud voices ringing from the Boss's
office, and everyone in search of a lost 'something', even the sharpest knife
could not cut the tension here.

The look on most faces are overwhelmed by worries, and fear. Its pretty scary
actually and for some apparent reason, the storeroom/server room was left
unlocked though the night, and has led to a lost of different items. So yes,
the Boss is pretty pissed, everyone's worried, and I'm sitting at my cubicle and
blabing. Damn Phil, what the heck is wrong with you?! Go help the great search
for the lost items! Ok, will probably start on this treasure hunt soon, but till then,
I've gotta say I'm in the safezone since the Boss finds favour in me.

Oh, the Boss just left the office for a meeting, and tranquility is slowly finding
its way back to the office. Hope it finds its way before I get back from lunch.

Time to enjoy burned ikan pari, with rice! yummy!

back to the future

2007-01-09T15:15:00.000+08:00

Would cars fly? How would clothings look? Can I fly?

It was the endless pesterings of a little boy seeking for answers from his
mother. 2007 was to this young boy, 'The Future', as he knows it.

It was 1924, and in about 83 years from now, this world would
see no less than flying cars, floating malls, to downright the ability
to mind read. Boy, it was a future to look forward to.

All this little boy had then, was a silent television, with Felix The Cat
being his favourite, Adolf Hitler being sent to prison, and not forgetting
Paul Whiteman's Rhapsody In Blue tune that can't seem to stop playing in
his head. 'How would 2007 be? Would cars fly? How would clothings look?
Can I fly?', he asked his mom.

Little did this boy know that a glimpse of 'The Future', as it is to him,
will be a hefty disapointment with no flying cars, no floating malls, and
definately nothing great about the clothings except for its atomic price
for less materials.

Didn't we all thought that cars would had eventually taken off the ground
by year 2020? It can't be just me and my thoughts that by the year 2020,
everything would be different, or something somewhat closer to sci-fi flicks
like Blade Runner or even Star Wars. Looking at the progress here, quite obvious
we are far from there.

Don't get my wrong, we have way improved since 1924, till the present, but
immature thoughts still lingers, and ponders if ever man will one day defy
the laws of gravity and fly. And not so much of taking the AirBus or AirAsia,
but really with a mechanism on their back just transport themselves around from
one place to the other. Or what about flying cars? Maybe not flying man,
but flying cars are not half as bad. Teleportation maybe? Hmmmnnnn.

So many things of the future were shoved into our minds when we were younger,
with tv series and even documentaries trying to make forsight of things
to come. Most in which didn't come to reality. Maybe its just man's facination
of forseeing the future, or the hope they found in knowing that all will
become better tomorrow.

All in all, the future as we know it by 2020 will continue to take its resemblence
as its present. Car will most probably remain grounded, and clothings will continue
its epidermic of domination with higher prices and lesser materials, while man
continues with their never-ending endeavour to forsee the future and its technology.

Maybe by the year 3030, cars will fly, cellphones will be history, and monkeys can
start talking. But till then, I'll just continue in my daze of how the world
will be so different in 3030, like how that little boy thought car would fly by 2007.

Its back to work now. And why did I write this you asked? One simple answer; Its something
you do when you are extremely bored at work, and when you have already surfed every
possible web-site there is available. Long Live The King!

sorry. i was bored and had too much time before 6pm :)

tellings of zero six

2006-12-29T10:52:00.001+08:00

2 days from the New Year. Darn! Time really does fly, and the memories of last
New Year are still fresh.

Roadworks Village was a success in every sense; from the show itself, to the people
that responded. What a fantastic journey it was.. Plus, there was a write up on the
production yesterday in The Star paper.

merry christmas

2006-12-25T22:25:00.000+08:00

As we celebrate this Christmas, lets not forget the reason for this season.

Let me extend a MerryChristmas to all of you.

Have an amazing Christmas this time round. Blessings!

Happy Birthday Jesus. Thank you for coming that I may now live. :)

a dream not far away.

2006-12-12T21:44:00.000+08:00

Just fresh from Teenacity Camp'06, and how God has exceeded our imaginations
with his miraculous ways. It was more than what we could ever expect.
I guess, God work in his ways, and will never fail to blow our minds of the
wonders in him.

As tears flowed from their cheeks, and arms lifted high, they took a stand to
make a choice inhopes it would determine a future with God. They seeked
for an experience, an encounter, a reality of knowing God in a personal way.

We paved ways for teens to believe in dreams to change their world. But more
than just good dreams or great dreams, we fell for God dreams. Those dreams
that could not fail, for it was not our dreams, but His dreams; and his dreams
cannot fail. We now stand hand in hand with Him, to let these dreams come
to past.

Dream On was not another catch phrase, but a declaration to fight a fight
worth fighting for. To take up a cause that may cost, for the cross.

Change does not come by words, but by a choice to understand the past,
the present, and the future. We now stand at the doors and knock,
seeking that we will find, asking that we will receive, and hoping that
our testings become testimonies, and our suffering a blessing to another.

We dreamt. We dreamt today.

Choose you this day who you would serve.

a village with a crossroad

2006-12-02T23:29:00.000+08:00

Christmas is just around the corner, and I welcome you to a play that will changeyour perspective. Let this Christmas be an experience rathan than just an event.

I invite you all to the Roadworks Village.

Plus, you get to see me acting! haha.

lets have a reason for this season.
:)

welcome to adulthood.

2006-11-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

Life has been pretty interesting these couple of weeks. Had started working
with People 'n Rich since last week, and it has been 'the' experience really, despite
long hours of work, and much travelling.

With the Acts Kids Holiday Program coming up tomorrow, and the Teenacity Camp's
dateline pulling up near, time has become a limited commodity. And it doesn't really
help to have a career that requires a whole load of your life. Non-the-less, this
wild ride, although like a turbulence at most times, also brings a rush like a young
child having too much chocolate for the first time.

Maybe I delight myself in the epic of urgency, whilst it stresses me up. But, more
than what it seems, if carefully dissect the workload, it is less than what it seems.
It's just our god-made minds that makes ridiculous presumptions and exaggerates
its magnitude.

All I can really do is just sit back, stare closely, and appreciate these hours of a
fun, non-mundane, exciting, and stressful, but also beautiful journey, as the
walk to a new path begins.

Welcome to the working life? Yes, I welcome you to my young working adult life.

cheers.

wakemeup to this new epic.

a light up ahead.

2006-10-20T19:14:00.000+08:00

It has been about a month and half, since I last ended my job. A month's off
was more than sufficient, and since break-time was over, it was time for
job hunting. Browsing daily through jobstreet, in hopes for the right position
seems more like an addiction than a need.

And not long before, a reply came in the form of a call, indicating a time
and place for an interview. There was nothing more to it,
than just the 29th Floor, on Monday.

The interview went well, but to no avail, and I was less than keen to take a job
on my first interview. A different interview came no later, and that too wasn't right.

The days seems to intensify, as I remained hunting for that 'one' right job for
me. Though I continued praying, I was too concern on landing a job, that I
relied more on myself than depending on Him. It was more,
'God give me this, and give me that', and lacking dependancy on him,
but taking it all up by myself.

I went to an interview with an Advertising Agency today, and though this was
what I was looking for, I was told that the position I wanted was not available.
It did burdened my heart, and questioned my faith. I asked God 'why?'.
To be honest, I wished they would've offered me
that position there, and then. But I guessed they just didn't.

That kept me on a low, as hours past, and I sat down hoping something
would materialise. I needed to do something, hence I sought to reading blogs to
occupy time, and as I read
a friend's blog and the testimonies of his life, I begin to remember the
faithfulness of God, and his ever-awesome plans to bless our lives. It does takes
time, as God cooks up an amazing miracle for his children.

Though I knew all this, I guess theories, and practicals are very different things.

This made me realise that I have wanted things my way, and there was no absolute
surrender. I now stand back, giving way to Him who knows better than I do.

For at the end of the day, His ways are higher than mine, and a miracle is around
the corner, waiting to happen. And as the pressure mounts, and the worries falls,
I know that He will be there, to point at the end, to show a light up ahead.

**there is always a light up ahead.

a search for true reason to breath

2006-10-18T14:06:00.000+08:00

This is probably my first time that i actually posted a video up on my blog.
For simple, unjustifiable reasons, I had refused to conform myself to the ever-changing
trends of blogging, which infact has made blogging, nothing more than entertainment
to entertaining mindless individuals.

Never-the-less, as you continue to read the story below, you'll understand
why I made this exception to post a video this time on reawakening.

-----

This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him Brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an Institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes Followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the Engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was Anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a Lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed Him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his Head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the School organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want To do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran More than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he Tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore For two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. `Dad,'' he typed, "when we were running, It felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly Shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a Single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then They found a way to get into the race Officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the Qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he Was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick Tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud Getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you Think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with A cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best Time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world Record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to Be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the Time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a Mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''

*a video a true reason to breath.

** i teared. you did too.

a true underdog's story.

2006-10-16T01:15:00.001+08:00

Congratulations HyppoBarney upon winning the ActsGames'06. It was certainly an
unexpected win, but a real sweet one indeed.

Fellow-HyppoBarneys, we did it, we did it good!

Congratulations to the other team, RedHulks, PinkPanther, and MataKerbau for just
being such a sport, and just having fun with the games. You guys did well.

Till next year's Games begin again, i chant this for the final time,

I like to HyppoBarney,
You like to HyppoBarney,
We are so Funny!

Hippo Barney,
Hip Hippo Barney!

* to a deserving team, that did no less than encourage, smiled, and laughed.

a day about today.

2006-10-02T18:36:00.000+08:00

Ob is lying next to me, as Switchfoot's Dare You To Move, moves back into the playlist,
and i sit here gazing.

Have not been writing alot lately, so i'm just gonna write out my thoughts today,
a day before the twenty-second.

Hmmnnm, the ironic thing about life, is that if you could envision the future,
we would change the past. At present, we wished we could change our past.
But at present, we do nothing but wish. Confused already?

At times, we are probably too concern with the tomorrows,
that our today is forgotten. We somehow missed the present, or is just
too caught up of being extremely complacent with our nows.
Do you know how this happens?

Let me ask you this;

What if, what if only, you could sit back, and actually come to a place
where you can appreciate the wholeness of life. And not taking 60 years in this
lifetime before figuring that you have pass this life in such a big hurry,
and have totally missed to acknowledge the beauty of every second, or to even
stop and enjoy it.

Damn! Life moved too quickly, and tomorrow came, before I was satisfied with
today.

I choose not to alter the past, but in hopes to live to appreciate the present,
that I may no longer wish to change the todays, tomorrow. -reawakening.

Life definately wasn't made to be on a fast-forward. Why not enjoy it alittle,
for tomorrow will surely come, but today will be lost later.

Dear fellows, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile
when I was a kid, but now... they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in
a big damn hurry. - shawshank redemption.

Have youself an awesome day, and to myself, an awesome twenty-second.

cheers folks.

words that mattered

2006-09-19T18:05:00.001+08:00

From the Great Einstein, to the artsy Michaelangelo, till the dying
breath of dreadful Juliet, something remains the common.

Ever wondered which word mattered the most is your plentiful
vocabulary?

the day the sky fell

2006-09-11T13:22:00.000+08:00

I could never forget, the day the sky fell.
As ashes dropped from the skies,
followed by thunderous roar resounding from the city walls.
I ran for cover, hidden from the exposures of solitude and madness.

No thoughts could form, as emptiness pries itself deep
within our minds.
No thought could form the density to such massacre.

But, all is done now, nothing left unchanged,
everything held by change.
What it would become now, could no more be less
than a vengeful heart.

Hence, blood oh' bloody days were ahead.
And the madness didn't end that day,
as it took precedents,
inhopes that one day, revenge wil be repaid.

I still hide myself today,
cursing the day the sky fell,
but more so,
hating the day, the sky will fall again on another.

I would not forget, the day the sky fell,
As ashes dropped from the skies,
for it was to be the day that we started
to forget another, and only remembered ourselves.

following a long, but not forgotten september eleven.

the independence day.

2006-08-30T13:07:00.000+08:00

31st will mark the 49th Anniversary to Malaysia's independence.
But little did i realise, this Independence day marks more than just
the liberation that occured 49 years prior. It marks my independence
from the University Of London, as i embrace my much anticipated
law degree.

Whilst the results were less than expected, and not in a good way, I
am contented. The very least, I graduate with law degree, and that
mattered most. The rest is now minutē and my coming days are left to
someone more capable than myself, God.

As I take on my last day of work today, it feels as though I have achieved
more and have impacted various lives, than i had ever. Yes, Malaysia's
liberation date also awaits my liberation from the education system in
both sense; learning and teaching.

Guess this coming Independence day will carry more meaning, and
the beginning of a new chapter, with its ample cross-roads.

I take this portion to again thank various individuals that has sowed
so deeply, and left their imprints all through the last chapter;

God, for his ever mercies and grace that surpasses my understanding, and comprehension.

ly-ann, for your smiles and just the things you do.

the monkeys; sling, elaine, sherms, matt, for just your ability to accept a teacher
for more than what he is.

pg boys, for bearing with an obnoxious leader.

smksu cf, for giving me a chance to serve with you. i am grateful.

one delta, for the cake.

one alpha, for your encouragement and your ability to comprehend my works. i'm amazed.

one gamma, for your never-ending laughter and high-pitch volume.

one pi, for laughing along with me, as we make over darshen, and model him.

one omega, one sigma, one beta, for just being students that cared.

ob, for always caring no matter the circumstance.

As i close this chapter, the next anticipates much cross-roads, bigger bumps,
more u-turns, and various road-ends,
but all with
one fundamental stand; If God is with me, nothing can be againts me.

Have yourself an awesome Happy 49th Merdeka Day.

wakemeupgrace to again recognise our independence in you.

the room

2006-08-21T19:06:00.000+08:00

The Room

By Joshua Harris

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with
small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list
titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which
stretched from floor to ceiling and right to left as far as the eye could
see, had very different headings.

As I walked up to the wall of files,the first to catch my attention was one
that read, "People I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the
cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names
written on each one. And then, without being told, I knew exactly where I
was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
entire life. The actions of my every moment, big and small, were written in
a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, mixed
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and
exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense
of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed". The
titles ranged from common, everyday things to the not-so-common-"Books I
Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have
Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I Have
Yelled At My Brothers and Sisters." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I
Have Done in Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents".
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more
cards than I expected. Sometimes less than I had hoped.

The sheer volume of the life I had lived overwhelmed me. Could it be
possible that I had time in my 17 years to write each of these thousands or
millions of cards? But each card confirmed the truth. Each card was written
in my own handwriting. Each card was signed with my signature. When I pulled
out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to
contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or
three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so
much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew
that file represented. When I came to the file marked "Lustful

Thoughts"; I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an
inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its
detailed content. I felt sick to think such a moment had been recorded.

A feeling of humiliation and anger ran through my body. One thought
dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see
this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy, I yanked the file
out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But
as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could
not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only
to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly
helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the
wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

That was when I saw it. The file bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel
With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I
pulled on its handle and a small box not more than 3 inches long fell into
my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the
tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my
stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of
shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves
swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I
must lock it up and hide the key.

Then as I looked up through my tears, I saw Him enter the room. No, please
not Him. Not here. Anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to
open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response.
The few times I looked at His face I saw such sadness that it tore at my
heart. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did he have to
read every one?

Finally, He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me
with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped
my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked
over and put his arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He
didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of
the room, He took out a file, and, one by one began to sign His name over
mine on each card. "No!" I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say
was "No, no", as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these
cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name
of Jesus covered mine. It was written in blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the
cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the
next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my
side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood
up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on the door. There were
still cards to be written.

--

What hit me was that he cried with me, he cried with me!
And in my shame, i found grace, grace so abundant.

Would you now allow Him to take over?

you have captured me with grace. i will follow you. thank you Jesus.

one last try.

2006-08-15T10:54:00.000+08:00

Little did i know that my time at smksu is almost up. With practically one
more week left to teach, before heading off for a week's break, and then
returning for 3 days.

What do' ya know? Time does fly so quickly.

So, given the last week to teach, i decided to impart to them the importance
of family.

ONE, it starts with ONE.

It takes ONE decision to love your parents, It takes ONE decision to forgive them.

It takes ONE step at a time, ONE decision at ONE time.

ONE can change your life.

ONE comes before two.

It takes ONE decision to make a change, just ONE.

Would you be the ONE, that makes that ONE right decision?

Yes, confusing, but if gazed hard enough, one will understand the message
installed. Thus as i'm coming to the last pages of this chapter of my life,
i pray that my work at smksu has not been futile.

There is much more to come, as a new chapter upfolds.

wakemeupgrace as a new chapter reveals.

a dot in space.

2006-08-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

What a weekend it was! Truly one of the longest weekend, with just
so much happenings, and being absolutely clueless where to begin.

From waking up at 5.30am on a Saturday morning, to catch the bus
to Catholic High...to watching a girl faint due to the heat...and rushing
off later to Teenacity....and later heading back home to rest...before heading
out again to Bangkok Jazz....and later getting involved in an accident..

Yeah, it was a long weekend ! But more than that, it was an experience
that would cease to be forgotten. All in all, I can only say another
Thank You to Him that sustained and protect us all even through
our tangled circumstances.

This weekend has certainly wokeusup to understand the a greater
value, and the bigger picture of our lives. And probably the very
purpose and reason behind everything has again been reawaken.

I came, I saw, and now I understand.

one blessed season.

2006-08-01T20:03:00.000+08:00

After hours of relentless effort of contributing to the furtherance
of the expenditure of His kingdom, I could feel no less than a worker,
working with joy. The retreat did stretch my eyes to see a different side
to things, to the workings, and to the need.

I'm speachless.

He was gracious to move amongst our midst, as prayers were answered,
and especially mine. Thus, all I can say is Thank you.

Its back to teaching, and with not long to go, my mind is constantly
trying to comprehend that dreadful day when i leave. Smksu has been
like a home, and the students as children. The usual faces and smiles will
not be forgotten, and just the curiosity of wanting to know what they
will one day become, is just an anticipated wait.

I thank God, that one day I can look back, and proclaim, I was there,
and I was once a teacher. And, no expression can exchange the experience
of being a teacher, to a bunch of teens that had been nothing less than potentials
to surpass the greatness of our own generation.

Thank you, to the people in SMKSU, you made it all worth while. :)

i have a dream.

2006-07-17T11:56:00.000+08:00

Was pondering the contents to teach for Civics this week, and
had stumbled upon the chapters ' Tokoh yang Saya Sanjung' and
'Cita-citaku'.

It strucked me, this was my open door.

Martin Luther King Jr. shall be the story on my lip for the coming
week. King had a dream, a dream that had birth a hope that
till today has yet to cease.

So, in hopes of challenging the students, and to make them understand
their purpose in this broken world, i pray that the words from my lips
be not mine, but the thoughts of a greater Him.

help me Lord to reach out, and reach in deep.

teaching, loving it.

2006-07-11T22:02:00.000+08:00

It's week 2 into teaching, and am getting more accustom with
the workplace. Non-the-less, the frequent question raised
has yet to differ.

Teacher, teacher, how old are you?

Teacher, teacher, got girlfriend or not?

Teacher, teacher, where you stay?

Teacher, teacher, how old are you?

Teacher, teacher, why you come here and teach?

Teacher, teacher, how old are you?

Teacher, teacher, how old are you?

I think u get the point by now. These questions are in need of
an answer, yes, following the last post. But, as equivalent to questions
alike 'why can't pigs fly?' or 'why cows don't have wings?', the obvious
answer given is simply be a dumb one.

No no , my age remains a mystery, and the education system
is far from requiring teachers to reveal their relationship
position.. Haha ! Those lil' monkeys!

Thank God for the mp3s and a bed-like comfortable desk
that takes me to my so needed utopia,
away from the dumb questions, and
the pressure of comprehending any unwanted jackass
stunts and noice, during those sleeping sessions...oo, i meant during my
"preparing for teaching sessions!" Yes, yes, don't be fool, although he looks
like he is sleeping on his desk, he is actually mentally preparing himself
for class! don't be fool, don't be fool ! haha.

haha...i love teaching!

the usual stereotypes

2006-07-07T10:24:00.000+08:00

Demokrasi. Or better known as Democracy.

Iya berasal daripada perkataan Yunani(Greek). It's derived from 2 words,
namely, Demos and Kratos.

Istilah Demokrasi bermaksud demos(rakyat) dan kratos(kekuasaan).

Having repeated myself the whole week, I only could had gotten better
with such enthusiastic repetitions. The ability to free these young minds
from the usual stereotypes that are fed daily to them, is just a blessing.

We talk, and answer even the stupidest questions. For, at the end of all, is
there ever a stupid question? Or maybe, a stupid question just require
an answer too, be it a nonsensical or the most cultured answer, all questions
required an answer.

Let this be your first understanding to Civics. As Kelsen had cultivated a theory
to free one's mind, may I make understand Civics an avenue to free one's mind
from the usual stereotypes, and to answer questions so long needed for a solution..

wakemeupcivics.

5 years unchanged.

2006-07-04T09:59:00.000+08:00

After years of not standing under the sun, awaiting the usual monotonous
speech from the present-teacher-in-charge, I was given the opportunity to
participate in such rituals again This, very much dreaded ritual was often
refered to by many as 'P-E-R-H-I-M-P-U-N-A-N'.

As students started lining up, the usual Negaraku was played afterwards,
followed by the State Song, and later an unusual School Melody, that seems
to have fusion both the english language and the malay launguage to form
a very distinguished tune. It was a long-standing-procession that had not
seem to cease over years. It was the exact same itineraries, as it was 5 years
ago, despite very different enviroment and school.

Classes were okay. Some good, some not, but the potentials was limitless.
Just the ability to connect with some of them, made it all worth while.
There's so much to say, yet, so limited ways to articulate them.

Plus, I'm already feeling that I'm gonna lose my voice.

So, have a fun one !

spoken words to a prayer for you today. get well soon.

a level from the inside out.

2006-07-03T08:36:00.000+08:00

Today will be a new beginning. A chapter that would most likely
determine the outcome of whom i'll be.

Ever dreamt of doing so much, but could not due to limitations?
Now I can.

I will go in today, not less of a teacher,but more of an ambassador
that will carry
His banner high, and to uphold Justice and Praise.
Which would be my embrace,
from the inside out.

So, as i begin my new chapter, may I ask that the next few
spoken words, be a prayer for me. Thank you.

This song will be on my lips, as i move to the next level :

Thousand times I’ve failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I’m caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out
From the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out, Lord.

wakemeupgrace to the melodious reawakenings of yourself, Jesus.

a cross between worries and humour

2006-07-01T11:58:00.000+08:00

It has already been 3 weeks into the holidays, and yes,
time flies so quickly. That dreaded 9th of June has passed
and now, we await in anticipation and worries, on our
hopeful graduation.

With the upcoming Teenacity Party coming along, the
planning for the big day is underway. But, the response to
the party are yet quiet. But, there is nothing to worry,
as God has always seem to find a way to breakthrough for us.
It sometimes feels like God is attempting to humour us in his
own ways. Not to funny a joke at the beginning, but we still
end up chuckling, knowing that He really works in mysterious
ways. Guess, its hard to be God, and be serious at all times.

Lets liberate our minds for a moment..and ponder what will happen
if I was God. Hmmnn... This world should be afraid...be very afraid
if i was God. Haha. My humour level?..Let's just say, this world will be
my stage for a 'JACKASS' tv production. Not too fun for ya'll, but a heck
of fun for me. Haha. That's probably the very reason why God is up there
and I am here making pre-suppositions of such sorts. (forgive those legal
terminology that doesn't seem to eradicate after long futile attempts
to Ctr-Alt-Del these legal workings of the mind)

Anyway, i've crapped too much for a day. No, you are not God,
so stop wondering what if you were!

and Go Brazil !!

here i am.

2006-06-27T20:26:00.000+08:00

it just felt surreal, when i first was introduce to that idea
i never thought i would be
but i guessed He had a greater plan for me.

so, now i'm here again,
knocking at your door and hoping,
hoping that your door will open,
for your grace is sufficient.

i thank you for the idea
i thank you for the thought

and now i stand infront of their doors,
and knock.

here i am,
i am here now.

God, you take lead,
as you have called.
smsu will be my mission field for 60 days.

caught between life and grace.

2006-06-27T03:39:00.000+08:00

this world would have me believe
it knows what i need to see
but there's no hope to be found
in a world where i see only darkness all around me

your word will shine a light on my path
to guide my way through this world
your word will be a lamp to my feet
to guide my way through this world

this flame that lights up my way
is strong enough to remain
where all around me is lost
i will trust in the truth that is sure and never changes

-seven twentytwo.

wakemeupgrace to understand the things i can see, but i cannot understand. show me the other side of grace.

.

2006-06-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

a full . stop

i rather lose, then have a fight to win..i'm sorry.

imissedtomiss.

forgive my childishness

2006-06-21T01:44:00.000+08:00

A man once said "..its all about Winning! ". Or is it?

It seems that I got it all wrong. The utmost importance
placed on winning has got
me all confused. No, no, winning does not justify a person!

Winning isn't simply indicating the first at the finish line.
Its more that just what meets the eye.

Winners are not justified by his winnings but
rather the means of which the win is achieved. It is how
that it is done that mattered most. I was wrong.

The man was wrong, it is not " all about winning "!

I ask that you forgive my childishness.

wakemeupgrace to understand the true meaning of winning the race.

it all starts with a thought

2006-06-19T03:35:00.000+08:00

After procrastinating for quite awhile, i've finally sat down and took
some time out to work on this blog. This design was not exactly what i
planned for, but guess it works just fine.

After months of playin the same song over and over again,
a change was very much needed. So, do enjoy Ryan Adam's rendition to
the Wonderwall.

Had been busy with Teenacity for the last couple of week. There's still
alittle more to work on before the next big event in July. Am relieve that
all exams are now over, and I've more time to concentrate on this.

Since the absence of studies from this mind, there was much room to
think of various things. It often come to a stand still, when my mind
begins to play like a broken record, constantly reminding me on things i wished
i could forget.

It seems, the most painful bruise is sometimes caused by one's own thoughts. Our minds
being capable of tormenting our lives, may eventually come to a point where it haunts
us to even begin thinking.

Mind's greatest soloution? To lie to ourselves, that we may hid under the veil that separates
reality from imaginary. Yes, we do lie to ourselves for comfort.

And all because, it all started with a thought; a fiction made reality.

hours away

2006-06-09T05:42:00.002+08:00

inrespect to the post made last year ::

3 hours away.

the clock hits 9am, the race begins.

only to see the finish line as the clock strikes noon.

and after everything will be done.

an anticipation for redemption

itsdone.

wakemeupgrace

2006-06-03T03:28:00.001+08:00

I was asked, why wakemeupgrace? An essentric tagline? Nope, if you really understood the meaning you'll understand why.

the dreadful day

2006-06-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

Somehow after 4 years of higher education, you'll expect to be
at least alittle more familiar with exams. Nope, sadly i'm still
stuck at this cross-juncture, trying not to be hit by that
fast-motioned vehicle. Dreadful as it maybe,
I have to survive this test.

To honestly say that I will lean on my own understanding,
would be the greatest lie ever in this century.
Every single time, when it came to this juncture,
I cross my finger, hoping for alittle luck, only to realise
that I didn't need luck.

All I needed was to know that my finger pointed to a right
direction. Be it not to my own self, but let it point to the
one greater than this cross-junction. I raise my hand,
and lift my finger pointing above, saying;
Its yours for the taking, I lean on you.

O, help me Lord through this circumstances. I decrease, as You increase.

it's been awhile too long

2006-05-30T00:14:00.000+08:00

After a long 6 months break from writing, i'm finally back.
Back with a different perspective,
a wider view perhaps of the surroundings.
Exams is back to prowl and rob us from our everyday joy.
Odd at time, when it seems that my world is colliding with this
'Men' depicted world of today.

Rest assured, 9th of June would a great celebration for me and
the world. It marks the hopeful the end of my higher education
days, to opening a chapter to the next flight of stairs ahead,
and the kick-off to the world's greatest sport;
football(or you so-called Americans calls it soccer).

So, with Company, Family and Succession on my mind,
I cordially invite you to receive me and my writings back
with open wide arms.

It has indeed been awhile too long already.

the other side.

2005-12-31T01:36:00.000+08:00

As the story continues, an epic begins.

An epic of a not-so mundane work, an art for the artless.
The writings and work of an other side of reality,
and a wait for a punchline.

Let me greet you to givemeapunch.

enjoy.

the other side of beauty.

2005-12-28T09:23:00.000+08:00

becoming aware, an act of realisation?

facinations evolving to obsession. everything seems brighter,
and suddenly, it dims. are you still there?

would you be the escape from this dreadful reverie?
make me fly to that explosions in the sky.

where everything is brighter than sunshine. oh,what a feeling.

let me fly.

let me fly..

seasons of greeting.

2005-12-22T14:40:00.000+08:00

its christmas time again.

so, have youself

a merry little christmas this time around.

enjoy.

stand::by

2005-11-27T21:02:00.000+08:00

Wassup.

Had been just too busy to update. Just got back from Kota Kinabalu a couple of days back, and will be off for the FES camp tomorrow. So its gonna be another long week up in Genting. So, as of today, re:awakening would be on a stand-by mode. So till I find more time to post, enjoy whatever there is here :o) . Cheers poppies.

enjoy.

re:awakening on STAND:by

tribute :: Rosa Park.

2005-10-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

After weeks of not updating, here's a summary of a couple of things I just wanna acknowledge ::

- A tribute to Rosa Park; that black lady that refused to move to the back of the bus whom became a revolutionist to human rights. All we can say is thank you.

- Got myself the new K750i, which the below picture was taken by it.

- Am done with the law of TRUST. Am fully TRUST worthy now. :P

- Got a VOX for the twenty first.

- Had superb beef satay at Ampang with the PG.

- CF has multiplied by doubled. Amazing.

- PG guys are bonding well. Good stuff.

- Lotsa work to catch up during RAYA holidays.

have a great day now. enjoy.

six hours to go.

2005-10-25T08:19:00.000+08:00

Its six hours before the Trust paper. Everything I studied are now flashing before me. Somehow, just amazingly, everything seems to be stored in place. I feel confident, Thank you Lord.

Had watched a couple of documentaries during the last couple of weeks on terrorist, and their hijacking of a bus in Brazil, and another, the Beslan incident that occured.

Will continue on all later. For now, its a six hour wait.

enjoy.

twenty first.

2005-10-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

People say the twenty first birthday would be different. Something special, a significant date. Others regard it as a step into adulthood, a key given to explore the world, or just the freedom longed for, since young. Yes, we all have our own expectations for our twenty first.

Twenty first had finally hit me. My expectations? Nope, it wasn't freedom. And it wasn't the ability to make people think more of me. Yes, I had an expectation.

My twenty first was significant. It was the beginning to a new chapter. A key to a fresh start. But most importantly, it was the key. And it was that key that got me excited, and thinking. If the key was to open the door to a life of indulgence, a key to be misguided, a key that leads to a self-focused life, then it was best the key be withheld. Sadly, we do view the key as the very key that liberates us from all rules.

My expectations? Yes, the key was my expectation. But, this key that is mine, is no longer mine. It was best left to someone worthy of calling the shots in my life. It was surrendered to He that had made me by grace. The key was his.

My expectations? I would best summarized it in this words::

'..and He died for all, that those who lived should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again..' 2Corinthians 5:15

May He's grace be renown throughout the world.

enjoy, my twenty first.

meant to live.

2005-09-22T00:16:00.000+08:00

I've been constantly pondering, like a broken record playin over and over, my mind had been thinking and re-thinking of the many things in life. I can't begin to articulate the runnings on my mind. Just confused, in a daze.

The punchline that kept reminding me like a broken record was the simple words that 'We were meant to live'. Meant to live for what?

" For i know the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

enjoy.

an unwritten chapter

2005-09-11T21:43:00.000+08:00

Back to the same old mundane hours spent in the classroom. Summer break is over, oh my beloved summer. So, its Family Law, Law of Succession, Company Law, and Jurisprudence for this season. Thank God, this time around, we are able to be more phil-osophical for our subjects. Yeah, we kinda choose to be illusioned as childrens of the Socrates evolution.

Studyin the evolution to the creation of law has definately been the highlight for the long long hours spent in class. Let me give you a mind-bogling philosophical discussion chatted during the class amongst us, the noisy ones, during the proceedings of the lecture ::

Animals should procreate,
Mankind ought to procreate,
Are mankind an animal species?

This is just one of those weird questions we ponder for the fun of it. In attempts to prove, or disprove that mankind are animals, it led to more unanswerable questions. Yes, we seem to be indeed the decendants of the Socrates, or so we wished to be.

Yeah, probably all I can make out of this whole post is the fact that I'm back to class, and the next chapter of my life begins. A unwritten chapter, to be written with time.

enjoy, as another journey of my life begins.

Incafe, my home.

2005-08-31T22:41:00.000+08:00

It was my last day yesterday. The whole month, I haven't the chance to update, since work has been a priority and the other things too, finally its back to writing. It was an emotional day yesterday as everything seems to be the last, and apart of me was left behind. After only a month, it became home. Not for the very fact that it was just another structure, or just a business that I would miss, but it was the very people that made it felt like home.

A month went by, with just so many historic moments, that seems to make me feel apart of. The bonds made were more than just ordinary colleagues, we were friends, we became family. Weren't for the cafe, all would lead a life, not knowing one other. We were all uniquely different, bonded with a similiar purpose, a higher calling.

All is now done, the chapter closes, giving way to a new beginning. A new chapter being written. I have already started missing the place, but there is so much more ahead for my journey. I will move on, only to set these days apart from the ordinary. It became days to remember, days to cherish. Yesterday would not be just a wrinkle on my forehead, but a willing scar taken for the joyous times spent. I will remember, I will remember, how the wall was built, how a paperbag was made into a head, how the the writings were written on the boards, how the shirts were tugged nicely into the racks, how the chickens were baked, how GiG meant something, how Diving had a undistinguished meaning, how everything was. I will remember, yes, I will remember.

These 3 months meant something. I learnt, and now I know, I became, and now I am, I grew, and now I'm grown. Thank you, to the author and finisher of my faith. I am amazed.

Though these days are gone, it has left its marks. I will miss you all. You have made history, and I thank you.

Happy Independence Day, Malaysia.

**dedicated to Incafe, and the lives that impacted mine during my time there.

winds of change

2005-08-27T12:58:00.000+08:00

Took a break from writing for these couple of weeks. With just so much to do, I decided that this poor lil' bloggie would be neglected for awhile. Working with the church's cafe had been nothing less than exciting. Just the chance of building relationships with the other partners at the cafe, was itself the highlight of the work. Would really miss working there after I'm gone.

GIG(Getting Into God) National Rally had started a new vision amongst our generation. It was more than just a 4 day event. It became a date that marks a generation's passion to see God move on a higher level in our nation. Awesome.

We believe that its a time for change, a change for the good, or for the bad?, its for us to decide.

stand or stumble?

2005-08-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

thought of the week ::

' when everything is lost, would I stand or stumble? when everything is gained, would I stand or stumble? when everything seems impossible, would I stand by you, or stumble from you?

when its my last breath, would I stand, or stumble? would you be there to greet, or to say goodbye? where would I be? help me. i'm weak, and you know; you know.

He, smiles.

2005-08-03T20:52:00.000+08:00

With what seems an eternity, just the many countless dishes to wash, He calmly walks out from the pit of washings, finally, to a many more customers seeking their food made well, with a smile. He did no less than everything required of an employee, or even more considering he took the garbage out to what He called 'disneyland' and had occasionally cleaned 'disneyland' too; an act he refers many time as 'diving'.

With just so much, He indeed was the very epitome of a multi-tasker. Though He wasn't the best at what He did, He did it all with a smile, or was it more like a grin on He's face, or just a structure on He's face that articulates a simple joyous feeling. It was a never ending tale, with the dishes mounting majestically as He quickly rinses each off, just tryin to make sure it wouldn't become the next tallest moving structure in competition to that great tower of Pisa.

After all was done, and the dishes all back gleaming to its supposed reflections, He came out with a smile, only to be interrupted to emptying the rubbish bins around the cafe. No less, He did it all with a big grin.

Every minute spent at the cafe felt like eternity, and with the hours slowly passing by, He had much to worry as more came to rendezvous over a meal. He knew, with more coming in, it was also more dishes to clean, but that didn't stop one bit of him joyously welcoming them in. He did it all with a smile.

The sun sets, and it was He's cue that the day is ending. He quickly cleans the last of the dishes, as He goes on to sweep and later mops the floor. With a smile, He tugs He's rough hands into He's pockets; exhales He's longest breath of the day, and just appreciates the silence of the cafe. For Him, it was another resourceful day, though it was the routine of He's everyday.

He was nothing more than a foreign worker in our local land. But, something uniquely special about Him was the fact that He, himself was the owner of the cafe. He, that was previously once, a very long time ago, an immigrant to our soil as a kitchen helper earning minimum wages had a dream of owning a cafe.

With a smile on He's face, He locks the doors to He's cafe, and walks away slowly. To him, though the circumstances were now all different, He was still the same person He was from the beginning; and that was why He smiled.

a pug named OB.

2005-07-30T22:33:00.000+08:00

Wow, just so much happened since the last post. Got a new addition to the family, lil' puggie OB. Since he's arrival, it was nothing less than fun and cleaning up loads of poo. haha. These are some views of the 6th member of the Gan's ::

Poser OB.

Just looking blur.

It had been a week since I've started work at the Incafe, and I must say that it had been a good first week. Just dog tired everyday after work. haha. Had just gotten back from the Life 70's Party at church and is just amazed at the attendance. It was simply awesome. Had invited a friend whom had been very interested to attend church but just hadn't the opportune time until today; and it couldn't had been a better timing.

With just so much going on, I'm blessed.

enjoy. **this post is dedicated to my OB.

a heck of a week, really.

2005-07-21T19:33:00.000+08:00

Staring at what seems a red coloured skyline as the sun sets, and just laying back to Gavin's 'Stripped' album, there is so much to say, just too few ways to articulate. As always, am still indecisive of my supposed Singapore trip at the end of the month. The greatest resistance in deciding is probably the huge financial spendings for the trip. With an exchange rate that has doubled, I would be better off lazing at home. Still, it may be a trip worth every penny. There, guess I'm back to step one again - being indecisive.

Had been having countless random thoughts lately. Unexplainable. With so much going on in this puny mind of mine, I've just gotta start winding down and understanding every circumstance. If you could name the week, I'll call this the 'Ultimate Disasterous Week'. Everything seems to be broken this week. With my all-so-recent, still-recovering-traumatic, all-mind-boggling, unreasonable-unexplained-boring experience with my car, this week didn't turn out any better. It has been a week of nothing less of worries.

It all begin with the car accident and the handling process of insurance and all the other irrelevants inorder to get my car fixed up. To date, my car sits majestically at the front porch of the mechanic's old shade, and untouched! Refusing to start the healing process to my car, those mechanic monkeys are waiting for the insurance application to be processed, while the insurance's persons are just taking their grand-father's years to get it all ready. Thus, it would be the best assumption that my car would most probable be ready by the end of next month? ARH! darn.

In all of a sudden, I saw something peculiar, a piggy from my AVG anti-virus started its frequent appearance. And all mighty and behold, WIN32.Gaelicum has invaded this desktop. Oh man! What the heck?! The ultimate desktop of entertainment has finally been breached of its security. A small bloody, not even a micro-organism, virus was able to squeeze throught my own personal Wall of FIRE or more commonly known as Firewall. Its destroying ways has done a heck of a job. Gaelicum had sucessfully killed everything .exe, as though it was a killer shark attacking relentlessly at a multitude of small anchovies. Okay, maybe I'm just being all too exaggerating, but thats the best illustration I can do, okay! my bad, haha.

Alrighty, all works has begun before the demolition of this desktop, and the reconstruction of a new, and nothing less but an unbeatable Anti-virus and Firewall this time. In other words, this computer is set for reformatting at the end of the week. So, inhonour of all those helpful, creative programs that has lasted me 8 months, I shall say something...'Firstly, you all were amazing programs that has satisfy my various needs at various times. I'll miss most my Winamp player- you were on every hour of the day, Photoshop- you were indeed a useful toy, Gunbound- you were my ultimate entertainment, DivX player- you were my cinematic experience, and to the rest that had impacted my life- you are the best...... :~( .... I will miss you all.

On this unfortunate week, my cellphone too decided to had a go with my feelings. It refuse to allow me to send out SMS or simply refusing to write anything alphabetical with it. So basically, I couldn't type a single thing out of it, and even adding new contacts to my phonebook was impossible since I couldn't get any alphabets to come out. To more amazement, it didn't hit Mr.Nokia to have such a function as to copy your contact from the cell-phone memory to the SIM card. So, I had to sacrifice the most of my contacts from my cellphone when I reformatted it. Thankfully, everything was back to a-Okay after that.

Somehow, after all this grumbling, everything seems okay. Nothing really disasterous actually, just an unfortunate hiccup of one of those not-so-nice week. Asked again if I could name the week, I would call it, 'A Week of Reformatting And Patience'. This time around, it would be best in Malay :: James 1:2 ' Saudara-saudaraku! Anggaplah diri kamu berbahagia apabila mengalami bermacam-macam cubaan, kerana kamu tahu bahawa semasa kamu mengalami cubaan, dan masih tetap percaya kepada Kristus, kamu sudah membuktikan bahawa kamu tabah menanggung penderitaan '.

The sun has set, and the red-skyline gone, and darkness overwhelms as the street-lights illuminates. But, as the wise man saying goes, 'through it all, the sun will shine again'. And yes, it will shine again. It will shine on the better weeks to come.

Haha...sorry for wasting your time reading something as ridiculous as this. enjoy anyway.

360 degrees.

2005-07-10T16:23:00.000+08:00

This would byfar be the most emotional post yet ::

GIG(Getting Into God) Kuantan was simply awesome. Even before leaving for Kuantan, we could feel God leading the way, and just going before us. Leaving for Kuantan at 7pm on a Friday evening, it took about a 4 and a half hours drive down. Starting the conference the day after, and by the time we got to bed, it was already about 3 in the morning and we could only afford a 4 hour nap before the long day ahead.

Sleep wasn't really a priority, since we all knew we were there for a cause, a purpose. All excited by morning, we got back on the bus and headed for breakfast. The morning conference was great, though the attendance wasn't really encouraging, but I prayed that God have his way with those few that were there. After the morning's worship and message, we had the workshop on either worship or devotion. I took the worship session, and it was encourging to relearn the heart of worship.

As we prepared for the night concert, I had doubts on the number of attendance. Being ignorant, I was hoping for substantial attendance, just hoping the place would be filled up. But, it soon striked, that the number of people that would attend was secondary to none. The real priority was that we did our best, no matter how many there were. It was us pleasing God, and not us trying please man. And I then prayed, telling God to take control of everything, just asking him to take full control, because we were there to worship him and nothing less.

God did bless us with numbers. By 8.00pm, we had about 250-300 young teenagers packing the hotel conference room with even about 20 odd parents at the back of the hall. It was just amazing. As our team led worship, we sang our hearts knowing he was a good god. Just after the message by our pastor, an alter call was made, and about the whole congregation moved infront just rededicating themselves as empty vessels and asking God to make them a generation of people that would make history for him. It was simply amazing, the crowd was just unimaginable.

After all was done, we were contented as a team. We were thankful that God's presence was there and he did moved within the hearts of the teenagers in Kuantan. We packed up, had our late dinner and got into our bus and left Kuantan by 1.30am.

Reaching at about 5am, I took my car and drove home hoping to get enough rest before Sunday's morning service in church. Sadly, as I was on my way home, my car skidded and smashed the divider due to the slippery road after the heavy rain 2 hours prior. My car did a 360 degree turn while skidding, and I was just in shocked when it happened so quickly. It all happened so instantaneous on the highway that it felt so surreal. Probably, the time reality striked in was when the car was skidding at 360 degrees. Somehow, from the skidding and the left-rear of my car hitting the divider, my car only suffered mininal damage. Upon looking at my car, I knew it should had been much worst. Looking at all this retrospectively, I knew if the front of the car would had banged the divider, I could had died. Somehow, just somehow, all that did not happen, and I escaped untouched. I know with all my heart, it was God's hand that had soften the collision of my car and the wall.

It was God's hand upon my life, that I am untouched and I'm indeed thankful. I did make it for Sunday's service, for I knew I needed to be there. Despite just an hour rest for the night, it was more crucial to worship and be thankful, despite my circumstances.

My car had to be towed away, and I had to make a police report in the afternoon. The police officer at the beginning was in-corporative and wanted to summon me to court and stand trial for reckless driving. He insisted that I be brought to court and pay a rm4000 fine. I prayed to God, asking him to grant favour upon me with the officer and just submitting my circumstances before him. After the officer viewed my car, his heart completely took a 180 turn. He starting chatting with me, and we even spoke about my law course and how he had read law before too at my college but wasn't able to finish the course. Out of a sudden, we were friends just talking. He told me he had to fine the minimal of rm300, but had told me to come back on thursday to appeal to lower the fine to rm150. He even gave me his cellphone number incase I had any problem with the appeal. Isn't that just amazing?!

God works in just ways that we cannot even start to comprehend. In this experience, it had done nothing less than to show God's true love to those who calls him father. He was there then, and he is with me now. 'The devil come to steal, kill and destroy, but He come to give life, and life more abundantly."

Through all this, I relearned that life is unpredictable and that we may die at any time, but the truth is, with God nothing is impossible. Jesus says that he comes to the door and knock, if you heard and would open your door, he would come in and he would be by your side, through every circumstance, he will be there to protect you.

My God does not sleep nor slumber, He will be there by your side when everything seems lost. Jesus, you are an amazing God.

Though I may not understand why all these happened, I know that God has a greated plan, a plan to prosper, a plan to bless, a plan to strengthen, an ultimate plan which man cannot understand. And I stand amazed at you, the un-thinkable you to say I love you.

enjoy.

beautiful you.

2005-07-05T02:19:00.000+08:00

Had watched MTV's 'I want a Famous Face' program the other day. Its a show documenting teenagers going for plastic surgery to supposedly enhance their look. The matter of fact that they look pretty okay to me, but still wanting artificial enhancements are pretty ridiculous. Not only would the unimaginable long hours on that surgery table would had already caused shivers, but the fact of waking up the day after and staring into the mirror helplessly, just to see another person staring back would had caused an unsensational feeling of just being another lost person searching for happiness in this big, big world.

Plastic surgery has already been a norm for our society. It was then, when plastic surgery was all so vile and rejected by society. And probably the only artificial enhancements seen commonly on women then was to their bosoms. Or, was it just Baywatch that portrayed that? With all due respect to the womens, I don't mean to be offensive.

Somehow, this new method of making everyone lookin like the next Britney Spears or Ricky Martin, has altered people's perception. It seems, since we can correct what we thought God did wrong, we are now incontrol of any situations. I, personally have nothing against plastic surgery, especially if it is so needed by an accident victim, or a deformed person. My only objection seem to be to those that already has a beautiful image in its own unique way. An originality that ourselves are trying to alter and rob.

Listening to Louie Giglio's 722 conference on 'image' , it spoke of mankind's fascination of trying to brand everything. Taking just an ordinary black handbag and placing a 'Prada' squared tag to it would insanely increase the value. Either tag-ed with a 'Prada' or not, both serve it's same purpose, but valued so differently. And here we are, a product of God, branded by God, valued at the highest price, made individually one by one by the creator of the world, and we try to un-tag ourselves from the brand attached to us. Tryin to tag ourselves with a different brand than what that is already the brand of the highest value. Trying to copy the brand of another.

At the end of the day, no plastic surgery would hold, no silicons will last, no physical beauty would remain, the aging process is inevitable. We shall grow old, and beauty would slowly be lost in time. But one beauty shall remain. God's creation of our inner most being shall last for an eternity. What truely matter is everlasting, and cannot die or weaken. A bright, joyful spirit attracts more than the sher beauty that meets the eye. Often quoted, 'beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder', and its true. To just indulge in physical beauty is shallow indeed, when real beauty does not stare you in the eye but warms the heart.

There is more to life indeed. A beautiful life goes further than a beautiful face. To continue from where i started, and to end all my thoughts, the question remains whether a new, famous face is what we need, or could it be a new, bright, joyful heart that is needed to find happiness. At the end of the day, all of these are in search for happiness, isn't it?

In my last attempt to end, I shall quote something I've heard over and over again, "You are born an original, Don't die a copy". If only we could understand, we can then say, 'No, not a famous face please, but a famous heart'. Perhaps one day we would. Perhaps.

**just a boring thought, and apologies for wasting ur time reading this. enjoy.

amazing God.

2005-06-29T02:17:00.000+08:00

God's love is just amazing. Was driving this afternoon to meet some friends for lunch. On the way, a friend from church called my cellphone indicating that I was to go for the Kuantan's Getting Into God Tour. Pretty good news, except, I was pulled over by a policeman for talkin on my cellphone without the hand's free set. Everything happened so fast, and before I know it, the police was asking for my driver's licence. It was goin to be rm300 for that. I prayed instantly asking God to take control of the situation. I told him, whatever that happens next, I will accept.

I pleaded with that officer that I was only a student and incapable of payin rm300. The officer left giving me a warning and no ticket. It was simply amazing. He is an amazing God. 'Undescribable, uncontainable, you place the stars in the sky and you know them by name, surely you are an amazing God. You are a God of every circumstances.'

Slowly, all this are teaching me that God is beyond any circumstances. Yes Lord, I trust you wholely. And I thank you for your goodness. I live to share yet the many good things that God has and will again provide endlessly. You are an Amazing God.

enjoy.

a different promo

2005-06-27T15:47:00.000+08:00

After the long hours of adjusting and perfecting it, the final product is done. Had design this promo for the FES Malaysia for their year-end conference. Finally all this is done, I can sit back and at least stare in delight at my work.

enjoy.

residents of lomo and music

2005-06-24T13:20:00.000+08:00

For the last couple of weeks, Damien Rice's O has been a constant play on my playlist. Just can't get enough of the mellowness yet. Had started listening to Jack Johnson. Somehow, had been an addict to mellow acoustic music for this period of time. haha. Finally got the new Dishwalla's album and to my dismay, it wasn't as good as their Opaline album. Oh, sad sad.

Anyway, I've posted up a Damien Rice's song. So, just indulge. The song will only play if you are viewin this site on Window's Internet Explorer.

Had develope another roll of my lomo. View more at lomohomes . Its just another day of lomography and music I guess. Had fun peeps.

enjoy.

the trip to terlimau.

2005-06-22T16:29:00.000+08:00

Had so much pictures to post up, that I decided to create a different blog altogether for it. So, to view the picture of my journey to Terlimau, check this site ::

www.reawakening-terlimau.blogspot.com

enjoy.

a walk to remember.

2005-06-20T12:53:00.000+08:00

This is a shot I took during my trip to Terlimau. The view of the skyline was just amazing. The mission trip was just simply amazing. Everything worked out well to His timing. We were blessed beyond words could comprehend. It was simply just an amazing trip. A walk to remember.

Will be postin more pictures from the trip soon. Till then, enjoy this view of the skylines. To know more of my trip, just ask me. There's just too much to say, that I could just not articulate with words. cheers peeps.

when all seems lost

2005-06-13T14:54:00.000+08:00

Today hadn't been goin well. Its just one of those days when everything goes wrong. Wouldn't want to explain the details of my day, but all I've got to say is that it wasn't much a good day.

Had been reading a book wrote by my uncle yesterday. The books quotes encouraging quotations of the bible and other christian authors. Guess it couldn't had been better time to read it, since I'm in a down-ner mood today.

"We will wait for the Lord, he is our help and shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon me, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.." Psalms 33:20-22

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strenght." Corrie ten Boom

"my brothers, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testings of your faith produces patience.." James 1:2

O Lord, though obstacles may arise, and seasons change, I would cling on to your love . For I know, tomorrow, the sun will shine again. And I thank you for that.

Music FEst.

2005-06-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

With 6 days to go before heading off to Terlimau, Camerons for an orang asli adventure, I'm equiping myself physically and spiritually. Just getting everything set out right before the big 2 and a half hours hike into the jungle. One week has gone by after my exams, and it hadn't been very much of a fruitful one. The better half of the week was spent sleeping and getting enough rest to rejuvenate. And probably the other half was to watching movies, listening to loads of new musics and just hanging out with friends. Gotta start doing something exciting next week.

Next week would be pretty hectic, with the preparation of leaving on friday, and getting every essentials bought by weeks end. Its goin to be fun. The language barier between us and the orang asli would pose as a slight problem, but we are relying on God to help us through.

Remembered prayin in malay last week, just the start of a more malay prayin sessions. Had started speakin malay with the rest of the team, in attempts of getting ready for the journey. Though my malay isn't the best, since I had lost touch of speakin the language since I left school 3 and a half year ago, the least it is still understandable.

Had bought Damien Rice's 'O' album. Its pretty unique and requires a distinct taste to appreciate the music. If you are an acoustic fan, plus an orchestra lover, you'll definately love this album. 'Amie' is a song worth appreciating. The orchestra in the song is just amazing.

One thing many wouldn't know about me, is my love for classical music and also the likes of Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole for jazzier sounds. I absolutely love classical music, just its attempts to capture a mixed emotion of tenderness with all in one. Its just unbelievable. haha. Many don't appreciate this art, but guess you'll require distinct taste to love such melody.

Make no mistake, I also love indie sounds. Had a couple of albums to listen to lately :: Love Me Butch - This is the new Pop :: Foo Fighters - In Your Honour :: Stray Light Run

Its been a music filled week. Some may describe as a MusicFEst here at my home. So, lets keep the music coming as I indulge and find a love in different sounds others may offer.

bergembira-lah.